I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
You Might Also Like
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.