*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
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The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”