People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I forgot how to panic. Help
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me