OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
so, is there a mister shapen head
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
accurate
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.