The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
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41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.