JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
meanwhile over on facebook
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
no regrets