I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
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MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean