I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
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“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Oh we’ve met.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
scares
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.