My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
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I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
it was love at first sight
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?