Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
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We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Brother?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”