I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
A ghost story
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
“You’d better run, egg!”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I’m sure it’s fine.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever