God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”