Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
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Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”