My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
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Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?