If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once