Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
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Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.