We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
You Might Also Like
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
You know I’m something of a chef myself
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”