Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.