If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
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me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Is fructose made with real fruct?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.