DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
dutch so unserious
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.