If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
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My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*