When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
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Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
meow
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”