Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
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Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.