Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
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the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Meow
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.