Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
You Might Also Like
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.