My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
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Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
based al yankovic
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
he’s sick of your bullshit today
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.