*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
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dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Batman v Dracula
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?