Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
You Might Also Like
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on