Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
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Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards