Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
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♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.