Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
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Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Sounds like a bargain
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?