Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*