[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
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I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”