My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
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Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.