The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
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Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I only treason on days ending in y
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get