Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.