Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
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Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted