Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Best mom ever 😂
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.