[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
You Might Also Like
Smells like a challenge to me
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
New favorite tiktok
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.