The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11