I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
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Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes