If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
You Might Also Like
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
The Onion called it…again.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.