getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
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(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work