Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
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Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter