I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
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When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what