Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
You Might Also Like
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Friends that check up on you >
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.