[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
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Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?