Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
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PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.