Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
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There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
“You’d better run, egg!”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.