The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
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13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
LOL
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.